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Wednesday, November 30, 2005
It's A Boy!

Today, I got a phone call. It was a girl I work with, since I don't like using real names, we will call her Ms. UnFitMother. So UnFit called to tell me that her son was born. 7lbs, 7oz. I don't remember what his name was, but I do remember thinking I didn't like the name. Anyhoo, as I was talking to her on my phone and driving to one of my patients houses, she tells me how much she doesn't want the baby. She has been saying this all along, but I figured once she saw him and held him things would change. I was wrong. She already has 2 other boys, 6 and 3, and she is living with her boyfriend. She said she doesn't want to marry him because if she did, they wouldn't be able to get WIC, food stamps and free medical. She tells me she wishes she had enough nerve to put the baby up for adoption because she knows she will never love him. (This comes as a shock to me..how a mother can never love her child) Well, I didn't know what to say. I have my own opinions on the whole situation, but I have learned through the years just to keep my mouth shut. Hopefully, she will choose the right thing, and follow her heart.

As far as my health, it sucks. I finally have my glucose levels under control...tight control. So, just when I thought I would be able to go back on fertility drugs, my blood pressure goes bonkers! My BP is very high and I am retaining so much water. The Dr. has me on 4 different diuretics and nothing is helping. She is giving me until Friday to lose some of the water and my blood pressure to go down, or she is admitting me into the hospital. ACK! So, not only do I NOT want to do that, I won't be able to go back on my fertility meds until the blood pressure comes down. Mr TSB and I talked it over and we are going to try 2 more cycles, when we can, and that will be it for us. We will accept the idea we won't be having any children. As hard as that is to accept, that is our reality.

We have checked into adoption and we don't have $25,000.00 sitting around to adopt. Surrogacy is JUST as high. We are planning on looking into foster care after the first of the year, but we still may not get our OWN child out of that. I guess we will sit back and wait to see what God gives us. In the meantime, I am taking donations :)

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 6:56 PM

Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Pictures From The Weekend....

Holly Days 001
This is Mr. TSB on Thanksgiving morning BEFORE all the chaos started. It was all downhill from here.

Holly Days 004
This was our ONLY Thanksgiving decoration. We had already decorated the rest of the house. Tacky, huh?

Holly Days 003
My Grandpa thinking "Man, I could have spent a quiet, peaceful Thanksgiving with a TV dinner and football, but I was crazy and chose this crap"

Holly Days 006
Holly Days 009
Holly Days 010
Nothing like a carriage ride around town.

Holly Days 018
Aiken's Santa and the Mrs... I really believe we need new people...cause they just look pathetic.

Holly Days 019
Mr.TSB and me. This picture would have been REALLY cute, if my mom could have figured out how to use my camera!

Holly Days 016
Holly Days 017
Holly Days 014
Random people walking in downtown Aiken on Holly Days.

Holly Days 005
This is Aiken's Christmas Tree. Usually we have a large tree, but last year it came crashing down and broke almost all of the ornaments and damaged 2 cars in the process. So, this year, we went much smaller here and we were there for the tree lighting.

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 4:16 PM

Saturday, November 26, 2005
Grounds For Seperation?? Possibly!

For the last little bit I have been downloading songs. Not popular songs. Old School Songs. But, since Mr. TSB has 7 years on me...he wasn't "into" these songs when I was in high school.

Songs that I now have downloaded...

1- Nuthin but a G-Thang
2- Boom! Ive got your boyfriend
3- Double Dutch Bus
4- Da Butt
5- Knockin Boots

So, as he is sitting across the room shaking his head and laughing at me. I am having my own little party at the desk. Man! He is missing ALL the fun!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 10:53 PM

*Poke Poke* Am I Still Alive???

Whew! Thanksgiving weekend is now over! Over! Over!

I love my family, but boy do I love my quiet house. We waved goodbye to the last family member tonight and with a sigh of relief, Mr. TSB and myself fell asleep on the couch.

Thanksgiving was wonderful, dinner turned out perfect. We decided to get up at 4am the following day to hit the sales. After shopping for hours I realized I had nothing. So I still need to go shopping for Christmas gifts.

Foto Friday has temporary turned into...Oh Shit I Forgot It Was Friday Again! Sorry folks! I will get some pictures posted soon.

Today we enjoyed Holly Days here in Aiken. It's a huge thing downtown with Santa, singers, and sales in every store. It was a blast and it was cold.

Ok, I am way to tired and have a feeling I am just rambling at this point. Hopefully, I will have time to sit down and get this going again tomorrow. Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 9:43 PM

Sunday, November 20, 2005
Productive Weekend...And Still Had Fun! Wheeeee!

Well, let's see. I have did get some things done this weekend. The Thanksgiving menu is set and food has been bought! The Thanksgiving cards were sent out and should arrive in time for Thanksgiving..if not..blame it on the post office. Thanks to my mom and Mr. TSB, we cleaned the house from top to bottom and it looks wonderful!

We did put up our 2 other Christmas trees, but they're not decorated yet...will be finished today. Christmas cards haven't been bought, but will be this week and I will start addressing them. I will also be making peanut butter candy this afternoon and hopefully mail some to friends.

Friday night we decided to hang out with some friends and listen to some karaoke. After a few shots and a MUCHO GRANDE pina colada margarita...we decided to sing something. Delilah by Tom Jones was our pick. LOL It's a good song once you're a little drunk.

Saturday we went to a tree lighting..although there wasn't a tree to be lit. Strange, but that's what happens around here. Aiken will be having their tree lighting after Thanksgiving and it's always so beautiful! I can't wait..and then soon after, Hopeland Gardens will turn on their lights. Hopeland Gardens is like a Christmas Fairyland with all the lights, it is so awesome. Hopefully I can take pictures and post them for you.

Well, there's an update to let you know I'm busy and still alive!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 10:53 AM

Thursday, November 17, 2005
Working Has Turned Into...Actual Work!

When I decided to get a job to break the boredom I found one that was PRN (as needed). Well, ever since signing on as PRN I am needed All. The. Time! Do these people not know I have things to do? Holidays coming...shopping needs to be done. Cleaning needs to be done. Cooking needs to be done. Aaaccckkkk! So, instead of doing a list of things I have accomplished lately...let me fill you in with what NEEDS to be done. If you can help me...jump right in!

1- Still only have one Christmas tree up...still 2 more to go..but have decided I am only going to put up one more. I'm tired.

2- Thanksgiving menu needs to be made and food needs to be bought.

3- Thanksgiving cards needs to be mailed out so they may ACTUALLY get there on time!

4- Need to buy Christmas cards and start addressing them since I have over 100 to send out.

5- I have NO winter clothes and BRRRRRRRRRRR its damn cold outside now! Need. New. Clothes. Now.

6- My house is dirty. Dirty clothes overflowing the hampers. Dishes are still in the dishwasher and dirty dishes waiting to be washed. Floors need to be cleaned and we won't even talk about the bathrooms.

So, as far as I know, I don't think I can take a personal day off to get this crap done. So, I guess instead of resting this weekend I will stay busy. This working crap is bullshit! :)

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 4:49 PM

Monday, November 14, 2005
Black Veil and Black Dress? Check!

Mourning has officially started...Why? Why? Why?

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 2:17 PM

Yep, I Am Still Alive...Barely!

Hi! This weekend was busy! We spent 11 hours looking for light blue ornaments for our tree in the bedroom. How do I know it was 11 hours?? Because Mr. TSB kept reminding me every hour on the hour what time it was! Finally, I found ornaments I could deal with. By the time we got home we only had time to get one tree up and decorated. The other 2 will have to wait for later this week or possibly this weekend.

I had many things I WANTED to do this weekend...none of them got done...

1- Buy Christmas cards
2- Make a cake with my new hand mixer
3- Make candy and send to some friends
4- Have my carpets cleaned
5- Start buying some Christmas presents

Oh well, there's always next weekend.

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 1:56 PM

Saturday, November 12, 2005
Foto Friday!! YIPPPEEEEE!!!!

As requested...my junk drawer!
desk 001
Sorry, don't have much more to say than this. Worked 13 hrs today and then had plan with some friends tonight. It's 1:20AM and my mind went to sleep about 10pm tonight! I'll post more later :)

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 1:19 AM

Wednesday, November 09, 2005
Am I Forgetting Her Already?

Working with Hospice, you are surrounded by death, as much as you wish these people wouldn't die..reality is..they are dying.

My Maw-Maw passed away April 2001. She suffered with lung cancer. She was never "sick" she just slowed down. In here dying day was the only time I saw her struggle, or at least she let it show that day. That day was the saddest day I have ever had to deal with up 'til then. I was there when she took her last breath. I was there when it took my grandpa a few seconds to realize it was her last breath. I was there to see my dad cry, which I had never seen before. I held her hand until Hospice came and they moved me out of the room for a few minutes. I never left the doorway. Somehow I felt my maw-maw needed me. Once I got back in the room, I held her hand and felt the coldness and stiffness set in. I cried. I cried more when I realized she wasn't there to make it ok, as she always did in the past.

After her burial, I dreamed of her daily. Thoughts would come in my head about her. I could still see her in my mind. I could still hear her voice and feel her warmth.

A few months went by and I met Mr. TSB. I truly felt she sent him to me. She always told me, when she gets to heaven that will be her first job. She didn't like my first husband and the abuse I lived through. She truly felt I deserved someone better, even when I didn't think so. Through dating she stayed on my mind because I was always telling Mr. TSB about her. But, days would go by that I didn't see her in my mind or dream of her.

I was driving home today, after visiting a patient that I don't think will make it another 24 hrs, I started thinking about Maw-maw. I realized it had been awhile since I thought about her. I haven't dreamed of her in a long time. I tried to think about the way she would smile, laugh, and hug. It's starting to get hard to remember. I know life has been hectic but I never thought I would be able to just NOT think of her, but it's happening and I don't like it.

Am I forgetting her already?

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 5:24 PM

Tuesday, November 08, 2005
A Few Things To Note..

1- Mine...all mine! I purchased a wonderful hand mixer today to help with all the Christmas goodies I will be making! (Thanks Tracy for the awesome suggestion) I didn't get blue though, I bought the real pretty yellow color! Cheery, huh? Soon I will be referred to as Martha Stewart Jr! Watch out Martha!

2- Now since I have a new toy arriving soon (see above) I will be posting some fun and EASY recipes for you all to try! Keep your eye out for it!

3- This weekend we will start decorating the house for Christmas. Since we normally put up 3 trees in the house it takes awhile to decorate all of them..so we have to start early. I will be posting pictures as I go!

4- I will be cooking Thanksgiving again this year. So, we will be having family come to town and most will stay here with us. Oh, joy!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 5:30 PM

Sunday, November 06, 2005
I Love You Martha! Do You Love Me?

I am obsessed with Martha Stewart. Love Her. Adore Her. Worships the nicely tiled floor she walks on. I don't know how or when it happened. I assume it was after I was married. When I got married, I knew how to cook very few things so I figured I needed to learn. I ran across Martha's show pre-jail and fell in love. God, she is crafty. She can do it all!

Daily, heck, hourly I find myself going to MarthaStewart.com to see what is on there. The Crafts! The Recipes! Housekeeping Tips! Pet Care! Ohhhh my head is spinning with all the excitement!

Now, for the down side of my love for Martha. The recipes still seem a little advanced for me. Most of the things I want to try I need a mixer for. A hand mixer won't work. I've asked. So, do I break down and buy myself one so I can be more like Martha with my fancy mixer? Or say screw it and keep buying baked goods at the grocery store?

Although, I do have to admit..if I did buy one I would have no idea what to get! Hopefully, Santa Claus will have a better idea about what I need! So for now, I will continue buying baked goods at Publix and only dream of being more like Martha!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 12:34 PM

Saturday, November 05, 2005
It's That Time Of Year Again..

Today they started playing Christmas music on the radio. I love Christmas for many reasons. The main reason I love Christmas is no matter what is going on in your life, you make time for family. Usually, with our life being busy we don't get to see our extended family as much as we would love to, but at Christmas we are able to sit down and catch up with everyone.

This time of year brings back a lot of memories from my childhood. My mom loves Christmas as much as I do and would always make it special. Some of the things that I remember doing...

-Every year we would write Christmas cards and although as a child, she would let me sign my name, right under my parents name. If I was lucky and there was enough space she would let me draw a picture too.

-We would sit down and figure out what kind of cookies we wanted to make everyone and somehow we would end up making different kinds and decorating every one of them. (God blessed my mom with patience)

-When the Sears Big Book would come in the mail,she would leave it in the mailbox and let me get it out. We would then sit down and I would tell her everything I wanted out of the book and even circled it with markers!

-We would listen to Christmas music non-stop. We would only watch Christmas movies.

-Every year she would let me decorate the tree the way I wanted. No help from my parents, except encouragement on what a wonderful job I was doing, even though the top half of the tree never got decorated until I got older and taller. They loved it just the same.

-She would tell me stories of how the elves most important job at the North Pole was to put the bow on the presents and she gave me that job. God, I thought I was special.

-Every year she would take me to see Santa and I had a cabbage patch doll, one of the original cloth one, and she would make a dress for "Natalie" to match mine.

-Every Christmas Eve we would go shopping, just to be out in the hussle and bussle of the last shopping day.

-Every Christmas Eve night we would go to Nanny and Papa's house (mom's mom and dad) and we would stay until late in the night and I would always fall asleep on my way home, as I laid in the back seat looking out the window for Santa.

-Every Christmas morning I would wake up to gifts all over the house and wondering how Santa was able to get the gifts in without waking me up. It always amazed me!

-We would go over to my Maw-Maw and Paw-Paws (dads mom and dad) house Christmas day for lunch. Maw-Maw always let me get the gravy boat out of the china cabinet. I didn't know until a few years ago..her china gravy boat was put up...she always used a cheap one.

Those are just a few of the memories I have of my childhood. You would think with memories like that I would be excited for Christmas every year. I do love Christmas, I do..but it's getting harder and harder for me to enjoy it. I am scared. Terrified. I am afraid I will never be able to share Christmas with my child. I have always dreamed of sitting around Christmas morning as my child opened his/her presents with their eyes twinkling in excitement and amazement. I've always wondered what it would feel like taking my child to see Santa for the first time. Would they be scared of him or would they sit down and let him truly know what they wanted for Christmas, while I took mental notes of it? Would my child enjoy the same movies my mom and I enjoyed growing up? Would they enjoy singing Christmas carols while cleaning the house or sitting around the Christmas tree? Would my grandparents make Christmas as fun for my child as they did for me growing up? Would my parents be the cool grandparents like what i had?

I have many questions and I dream of the day that they can be answered...but the reality is, it may never be answered. I am childless. I have been pregnant three times, but it was quickly taken away from me. I don't know what I did to deserve what is given to me..but if I could, I would take it back in a heartbeat. People say I should be happy just having loving family and friends. I am. Lord knows I am happy to have them in my life. But nothing, I mean nothing, will ever fill the void in my heart for wanting a child to love and share experiences with. To most this may seem like a pity party. It's not. It's my reality. This time of year is really hard on me and it's hard for me to talk about..so I thought the best way to talk about it is through here. Thanks for reading my blog and being my friend. I am truly blessed to have friends and family like you.

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 11:29 AM

Friday, November 04, 2005
One Of My Dirty Little Secrets...

I'm not organized! THIS is why I can never find anything! EVER!!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 11:33 PM

Foto Friday!! YIPPPEEEEE!!!!

Ok people..as requested...Foto Friday...

1st foto will be my fridge!! Wow..exciting..I know!
foto friday 009
foto friday 010

2nd foto will be one of my doors....can ya'll handle this much excitement???
foto friday 011

Remember gotta request what you wanna see...More pictures next Friday :)

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 9:40 PM

The Post In Which I Speak Of My Husband

Sorry, too tired to think of anything else to write about. Will do better later!

...... Is ......
- a gentleman.
- my confidant.
- a gentle man.
- my better half.
- honorable.
- my soulmate.
- compassionate.
- my best friend.
- my partner.
- my hero.

... Can ...
- draw and paint.
- temper my moods.
- kiss like no other.
- leave me speechless.
- dance.
- break my heart with a word.
- melt with the sound of his voice.
- make me feel like a princess.
- cause my knees to buckle with his smile.

-my trust.
- my respect.
- two grandparents living in Ireland.
- my devotion.
- beautiful blue eyes.
- my support.
- two grandparents that is first generation American.
- my heart in his hands.
- my love.

... Will Not ...
- Lie to me.
- Cheat on me.
- Steal from me.
- Betray you or me.
- Hurt me or you.
- Leave me.
- Let me feel less than a princess.

God, I love him!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 4:03 PM

Thursday, November 03, 2005
I Got Put On-Call

Well, today was supposed to be my first "working" day out in the field. I went in this morning for the monthly meeting and was getting all ready to hit the road when all hell broke lose! 2 people died this morning and not enough people to cover them and the other patients. I was like " I can go...no problem!" but the company has this thing about someone training for 3 days before they can go at it alone *sighs* So, Melissa turned around at me and handed me a bunch of paperwork and told me I'm on call and sent me on my way.

Two good things came out of being on-call...

1- Still paid $45.00 a day to sit and do nothing

2- Was able to pick up the Martha Stewart Holiday Cookie Magazine (Tracy, yours is on its way!)

So, that's how my day started...

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 9:33 AM

I Accept Cash, Check or Charge Cards...

I am worth $791,086 on HumanForSale.com

Click on the link and find out how much you're worth!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 7:24 AM

Wednesday, November 02, 2005
To Sum Up My First Day Of Work In 2 Words....

I'm tired.

I haven't worked in almost 4 years. Mr TSB and I decided it would be best if I didn't work so when we have a baby I could be at home. It has now been 4 years, no baby and I am bored! So, I decided to go back to work.

Today was orientation where I received all the patients forms, pager and crap. How can I be tired from that? Is it the thought of going back to work making me tired? Or am I truly tired? Anyhoo..survived day one...

When is payday??

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 3:34 PM

Tuesday, November 01, 2005
Work World...Here I Come...

I got the call...I am going back to work. Yep, you heard me right...work...me...working...shocking, isn't it? Since I have been here in Aiken, I have been trying to get a job with the Hospice Center here. Finally, it happened!

Melissa called today to offer me the position..and I jumped on it!

After hanging up and telling her.."No problem, I can be there tomorrow morning" I realized I have PROBABLY outgrown my scrubs and the closest scrub shop is in Augusta. So, when Mr. TSB got home this evening, I told him to get the scrubs from the attic and I started praying...HARD!

After we eat tonight, I will try them on...if they don't fit I will break down in tears and then panic..doesn't that burn calories?? Wish me luck!

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 6:08 PM

Evidence That I Need Serious Help!

I'm not a big fan of Halloween..never have been. I don't like dressing up and I don't like people coming to my door every 5 seconds ringing the door bell so my dogs can go ape-shit and take the next 20 minutes trying to calm them down. Since we live in a big neighborhood which is FULL of kids, we are pretty much obligated to have candy and give it out. This year Mr. TSB and myself dressed as 2 fat people that doesn't like Halloween..of course that is ALWAYS our costume. But, do you think I would let my "babies" go non-Halloween?? Not on your life...

Exhibit A: Mikey the Pumpkin...Okay, he isn't a big fan of the pumpkin hat..but at least we didn't have to threaten the sausage factory just to get a picture of him...
Exhibit B: Molli the Diva Pumpkin...Unlike we had to with her! You can totally tell she is thinking.."Sausage Factory? HA! That's better than dressing up like a jackass for these morons!"
Exhibit C: The Plotting Of Our Death..."Tonight..In their sleep...We kill them with our plastic newspaper squeekers"

link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 5:49 PM

I'm a SAHM to 3 girls. We became foster parents in May 2006 in hopes of adoption. We love our girls and could never picture ourselves without them. Although life is much busier, we couldn't be any happier. Here's our story...