Today they started playing Christmas music on the radio. I love Christmas for many reasons. The main reason I love Christmas is no matter what is going on in your life, you make time for family. Usually, with our life being busy we don't get to see our extended family as much as we would love to, but at Christmas we are able to sit down and catch up with everyone.
This time of year brings back a lot of memories from my childhood. My mom loves Christmas as much as I do and would always make it special. Some of the things that I remember doing...
-Every year we would write Christmas cards and although as a child, she would let me sign my name, right under my parents name. If I was lucky and there was enough space she would let me draw a picture too.
-We would sit down and figure out what kind of cookies we wanted to make everyone and somehow we would end up making different kinds and decorating every one of them. (God blessed my mom with patience)
-When the Sears Big Book would come in the mail,she would leave it in the mailbox and let me get it out. We would then sit down and I would tell her everything I wanted out of the book and even circled it with markers!
-We would listen to Christmas music non-stop. We would only watch Christmas movies.
-Every year she would let me decorate the tree the way I wanted. No help from my parents, except encouragement on what a wonderful job I was doing, even though the top half of the tree never got decorated until I got older and taller. They loved it just the same.
-She would tell me stories of how the elves most important job at the North Pole was to put the bow on the presents and she gave me that job. God, I thought I was special.
-Every year she would take me to see Santa and I had a cabbage patch doll, one of the original cloth one, and she would make a dress for "Natalie" to match mine.
-Every Christmas Eve we would go shopping, just to be out in the hussle and bussle of the last shopping day.
-Every Christmas Eve night we would go to Nanny and Papa's house (mom's mom and dad) and we would stay until late in the night and I would always fall asleep on my way home, as I laid in the back seat looking out the window for Santa.
-Every Christmas morning I would wake up to gifts all over the house and wondering how Santa was able to get the gifts in without waking me up. It always amazed me!
-We would go over to my Maw-Maw and Paw-Paws (dads mom and dad) house Christmas day for lunch. Maw-Maw always let me get the gravy boat out of the china cabinet. I didn't know until a few years ago..her china gravy boat was put up...she always used a cheap one.
Those are just a few of the memories I have of my childhood. You would think with memories like that I would be excited for Christmas every year. I do love Christmas, I do..but it's getting harder and harder for me to enjoy it. I am scared. Terrified. I am afraid I will never be able to share Christmas with my child. I have always dreamed of sitting around Christmas morning as my child opened his/her presents with their eyes twinkling in excitement and amazement. I've always wondered what it would feel like taking my child to see Santa for the first time. Would they be scared of him or would they sit down and let him truly know what they wanted for Christmas, while I took mental notes of it? Would my child enjoy the same movies my mom and I enjoyed growing up? Would they enjoy singing Christmas carols while cleaning the house or sitting around the Christmas tree? Would my grandparents make Christmas as fun for my child as they did for me growing up? Would my parents be the cool grandparents like what i had?
I have many questions and I dream of the day that they can be answered...but the reality is, it may never be answered. I am childless. I have been pregnant three times, but it was quickly taken away from me. I don't know what I did to deserve what is given to me..but if I could, I would take it back in a heartbeat. People say I should be happy just having loving family and friends. I am. Lord knows I am happy to have them in my life. But nothing, I mean nothing, will ever fill the void in my heart for wanting a child to love and share experiences with. To most this may seem like a pity party. It's not. It's my reality. This time of year is really hard on me and it's hard for me to talk about..so I thought the best way to talk about it is through here. Thanks for reading my blog and being my friend. I am truly blessed to have friends and family like you.
link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 11:29 AM
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