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Tuesday, June 27, 2006
I'm Tired.

As you all know, we are in the process of adoption. We started this process knowing it was going to be a long roller coaster ride. (We're not THAT naive) When we had our first meeting it was on April 7, 2006. We were told within 120 days we would be finished with the application process and then the waiting game would start. August 5th will be the 120th day...and we were okay with that.

On May 25th we had our final homestudy where all of the paperwork was in order. We had finished our adoption classes, fingerprinted, criminal background checked..everything was ready. We were then told we would have an answer within 2 weeks. Two weeks would have been June 8th. June 8th passed and finally I was told we would be called on June 21st to let us know if we were accepted.

As I sit here, June 27th, with no answers. I am heartbroken. I have left emails, I have left voicemail messages and I have cried. (I have also screamed to the top of my lungs, when I've been home alone) It's like everyone has forgotten about us. I am sure the office is busy, and the world doesn't revolve around me, so I feel so guilty to be whining about this. But, and yes, there's always a but. With as much heartache as I've been through in my life (pity party will start now) I finally felt something was going to go right. There was going to be no more fertility medications to take, no more positive pregnancy test to get everyone excited and then weeks later having to let them down with the loss of the baby. I finally saw "my family" in the future. I dream at night of sitting around and laughing at the cute faces the baby is making. I see my friends children growing up and hoping I would get a baby soon, so they could have friends like mine.

I don't really ask for much. I asked God for a wonderful husband, I received that wish. He loves me. Me makes me believe I am a princess and always makes sure I am safe. I love him and would do anything for him, except...have a child. Sometimes I feel so guilty not being able to give him what he wants. He has never told me that he WANTS children, but the gleam in his eyes when I have told him I'm pregnant...priceless. I knew at the moment when I told him I was pregnant, that was something he had secretly been wishing for. With my first miscarriage..he held my hand the whole way. We cried together, we mourned together. I could hear our hearts breaking at the same time.

Everytime I lost a baby, he would tell me it's okay, we can try again. But, guess what? I'm tired of trying. I am tired of the process. I am tired of the waiting with no response. I am tired of the not knowing. Right now, I am trying to figure out what we are going to do. I told Mr. tonight, that maybe we weren't meant to have a baby. We can survive without children, people do it all the time...but once again, with that statement...I hear our hearts breaking all over again.



link | posted by Mrs. TSB at 10:24 PM






3 Comments:
Anonymous Cyndy had this to say:

(((((((((( Hugs ))))))))))
I don't have children due to the turn of events in my life over the years, but I can feel the pain in your heart through this post and I hope that if being adoptive parents is meant to be for you that it happens and happens soon. I have always heard that adoption is a long long process. I will say a prayer for you and Mr. TSB tonight

11:04 PM 

Anonymous tasha had this to say:

Oh Hun! I also feel the heart break. I understand what you have gone through. and i am here for you.
My heart was breaking.. just reading this. I am sorry for the pain you have/and are going through.

12:12 AM 

Blogger ZootsMom had this to say:

Don't give up yet ok? You haven't been told no so it may not actually be a done thing. I'm so sorry and feel so bad that you have to go through this. I hate to mention this but remember too, its coming up on July 4th weekend and simply because of that you probably don't need to expect a call anytime soon. I was told that a bunch of times yesterday at work..and although that sounds crass there are a lot of people off on vacation this week and next week......Hang in there ...I'm pulling for you

6:05 AM 

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I'm a SAHM to 3 girls. We became foster parents in May 2006 in hopes of adoption. We love our girls and could never picture ourselves without them. Although life is much busier, we couldn't be any happier. Here's our story...